good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
this chia pet tastes awful
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.