Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My love language is hissing.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.