If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet