a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
