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Everyone says âDo what makes you happyâ, until you push them down the stairs.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
With a text.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if itâs causing them to slow down
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was âsippingâ some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, âUh-oh!â and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, âI am an adult.â
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Iâve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
âIâm not reading all that you parcelâ
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughterâs blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud âdid the milk man visit your mom?â What the actual fuck lady.