Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.