The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener