Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
😂😂
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs