Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.