Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
next question.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume