Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The Backseat Boys
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
