Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.