As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[montage of me giving-up]