*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
…żyje?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
shit just got real
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious