It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
They got Raph!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Animal poetry
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.