I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
How tf did it end up there?
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”