Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them