Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
