Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically