My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
But is it really??
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies