my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?