The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem