so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry