As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.