I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.