One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
mom gave me mine for free
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.