“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Thank heavens for community notes
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
you could not pay me to delete this app
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Good morning
ah yes….my favourite videogame
