My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.