me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
me
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need