Sooo many times…..
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
we’re dead?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The internet is undefeated.. 😂