Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Imma just leave this here…………
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Money is the root of all wealth
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
