Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m not lazy
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out