Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
going to the ER y’all need anything
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.