Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
we’re dead?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!