Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”