* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Weirdly Wednesday.
