Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no