I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking