If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.