Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
😜
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.