no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.