Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
