*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
rapatouille
