I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!