I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.