i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
#SaturdayBears
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
back to work
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]