My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’ve had worse
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.