Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
calling in to work dehydrated
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.