The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.