Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
hi why am I like this
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
