They must have gotten it to go.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.