grandparents are too precious for this world
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
