I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The little toadstool has spoken.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)