Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.