my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Put the is in disheveled
I love art.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
stand with me against insufficient seating
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.