Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.